Today marks one quarter of one century that yours truly has graced this planet with his presence.  In honor of this momentous occasion, I will now discuss things that I pledge, as an aging person, not to say in the coming twenty-five years.

The problem with America today is ...
I do not believe that getting older means you’ve suddenly figured everything out.  Do you know how many topics have been identified as the problem with America?  Seven hundred and thirty four different topics, according to statistics I just made up.  I think it is plain to see that the world is very complex.  I won’t let myself fall under the assumption that the world is constantly degrading.  If anything I think they are improving (despite what the news tells you).

Kids these days have it too easy.
You may have also heard this stated like this:  “When I was a kid I had to walk to school.  In the snow.  Barefoot!  Uphill!!  BOTH WAYS!!!”  It is a tired cliché, and old people seem to jump on it left and right.  Political candidates have used it to win votes for a very long time.  Yeah, technology is making a lot of things easier (and isn’t that what we want anyway?), but there will always be new challenges to kids that their elders didn’t even have to worry about.  Like how my grandparents didn’t have to worry about getting germs from black people when using a public water fountain, but my generation is constantly assailed with negro germs.

The last good band was The Smashing Pumpkins, the last entertaining video game was Super Mario 64, and the last funny movie was Happy Gilmore.
This is a big one, and I refuse—I repeat: refuse!—to succumb to the notion that somehow I happened to be fifteen years old when all the best bands, movies, TV shows, and video games came out.  I’m not sure what causes people to think this way as they age, but I think we have all seen it time and time again.  I’m not saying I will be one of those old people who tries to pretend he’s one of the cool kids (like that guy who graduated high school two years before you, but he would still hang out in the parking lot after school, and as far as you know he still does).  I’m just saying I won’t act like I lived in some kind of magical golden age where nothing sucked.  I guess people only remember the things they like, and they replay those things in their mind over and over.  When these memories—ripened into nostalgia by years of rumination—are placed against fresh, unfiltered new media...  well, there is no contest.  In the coming twenty-five years I will attempt to be conscious of the fact that things might not have been as good as I remember them.  I have already started this process.  For instance, as much I would like to, I will not assert that Animaniacs is somehow more sophisticated that SpongeBob SquarePants, or that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has a better premise than Pokémon.  I think only the eight-year-old me and a modern eight-year-old could take up that argument.  Presumably with nunchucks and Pokéballs.

Well there you have it.  Originally the list was longer, but there was a lot of redundancy.  Basically everything boiled down to “new stuff sucks” and “there is no hope for our kids.”  I will strive to keep these campaign goals, and in twenty-five years I will present a status report, evaluating my performance in achieving these goals.  Stay tuned!

Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?”  For it is not wise to ask such questions.
—Ecc 7:10