When you put your resume on Monster and Career Builder, you get some strange and sometimes sketchy e-mails about jobs that have absolutely nothing to do with the skills shown on your resume. Case in point, the following e-mail that I received today (with my own commentary added in italics):
Hello Kip,
Hi! Do we know each other?
Are you looking for an opportunity to apply your expertise and help expand manufacturing capabilities with a company that desires to change the way the world produces glass?
Am I ever!! I am so sick of the way glass is produced these days!
Do you desire to work with a world leader that is planning for future success and is committed to industry leadership through innovation and technology?
That was a mouthful! But I think my answer is “yes.” I would assume it beats working for an unknown company planning for failure and committed to industry bottom-feeding through stagnation and tradition.
[Redacted], a Fortune 500 company and the world’s leading producer of glass packaging products, is currently looking for a Combustion Engineer to join our team at our glass manufacturing facility in Winston Salem, NC.
Combustion Engineer, what is that?? Is it anything like a Software Engineer? Because I’m really good at software engineering.
As a Combustion Engineer, your objective will be to deliver efficient & improved combustion glass conditioning systems as well as increased furnace life through proper control of fuel consumption, heating, & melting temperatures. In addition, you will assist in the development of effective preventative maintenance programs and be an active participant in the facility safety program.
Oh OK, so it’s nothing like software engineering or anything else that is listed on my resume. Go on.
It has been brought to our attention that you may be just the right person we are looking for!
OK, let me just stop you right here because I can see you’re wasting our time. Two things. One: What fool told you that?!? Two: I don’t think you understand just how unqualified I am to hold the title of “Combustion Engineer.” When I have to stick a match into the little hole to light a propane grill, I turn my head away and say a prayer that I will survive it. When it lights without an explosion, I experience the thrill of life in a way that most people have to bungee jump or skydive to experience. I am nervous anytime I am standing near the water heater in my garage. I will move to a different pump at a gas station, or leave altogether, if I see someone talking on a cell phone while pumping. So unless you need me to engineer combustions by writing some software which I can use from across town, I’m not the right guy.
The rest of this e-mail was not included because it got boring.
