<--- THIS IS NOT LONDON BRIDGE!

Today while making my lunch I had Fuse on in the background, and I saw a video by the girl from Black Eyed Peas called “London Bridge.”  Only, in the video she is not in front of London Bridge.  She is in front of Tower Bridge.  There have been three London Bridges in London.  The first one was the famous one and no longer exists.  The second one is currently located in Arizona.  The third one still stands, but there’s nothing special about it.  You’d think someone involved in the photo shoot would have said “You do realize that’s not London Bridge you’re posing in front of, right?”

Today when I was logging out of Yahoo Mail there was an ad for a site claiming to offer a free PS3.  Since this was an expensive-looking ad on Yahoo, I figured maybe it was a little less sketchy than, say, an offer to transfer a Nigerian prince’s money out of the country.  So I clicked it, carefully read the terms and conditions.  Most importantly, I saw “Membership is free and you will never be required to pay for evaluation products.”  It just said I needed to evaluate some products- two “top offers”, two “prime offers”, and two “premium offers.”  Obviously, I wasn’t going to give them any kind of information that they could use to charge me (credit card number, bank account number, etc).  But my name, address, and phone number are already in the phone book, so I wasn’t too concerned with giving out that info.

So I signed up.

Then I went to look at these products I needed to “evaluate.”  The first group had things like Columbia House DVD club and Real Rhapsody music download service, where I would have to sign up for free trials.  Which would require giving a credit card number, but no charge if I canceled within like two weeks.  Well I wasn’t interested, but I wanted to see what some of the third-tier products were.  Check this out:

HAHAHA!  In theory, they would reimburse me for my fifteen hundred dollar purchase, making good on their claim that I wouldn’t have to pay for any evaluation products.  I think I’ll pass.

This past Tuesday was Valentine’s Day, as I’m sure you’re aware.  I suggested to Stephanie that we go out to eat that night.  She said it would be crowded, but I said we’d leave early and get there by about 6:00.  I mean, it was a Tuesday night, and no one gets off work for Valentine’s Day, and who likes to eat that early anyway?  Turns out a lot of people.  We got to The Olive Garden at 6:00, to be told there was a “130-150 minute wait”!  We decided to go next door to the Red Lobster, where the wait was only an hour, then we went to the Toys’R’Us nearby to pass the time.

Now I know what you’re thinking- Kip!  You are SO clever!  I mean, I bet you’re the first person to notice that Valentine’s Day can be abbreviated “VD,” an acronym most of us associate with “venereal disease.”  That is SO clever!  I mean.. wow!

While that is true, I ask you to please refrain from devoting your comments to telling me how clever I am.  I know all about it (I was there when I wrote it).

In other news, I mailed off the Nielson Ratings packets this morning.  If you’re curious how the system works, I’ll give you a quick rundown of the things I found interesting (see also Stephanie’s previous post on the same topic).

• They first contact you by phone, ask you a bunch of questions, the last being if you’d like to participate.  After you say yes, they tell you they’ll pay you fifteen bucks.

• Then they send you a TV Diary for each TV in your house.

• That $15 they send you is in cash.. like, a Lincoln and a Hamilton.

• The diary is a grid, with columns for each person in your house on the right.

• Recording in the diary can be a little tedious.  You have to record the channel call letters or name, the channel number, the name of the program, and who watched it.

• If a program was DVR’ed (as most everything we watch is), you have to list the date and time that it was recorded as well.

• Sweeps week runs from Thursday through Thursday.. so we had two Thursdays to record.  Makes sense I guess, since Thursday is the most watched TV night.

I enjoyed being a datum.  In fact, I generally do.  People will call me on the phone and ask me if I’d like to participate in a survey.  “I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment,” I always tell them.  Well maybe not, but I should try to remember to do that next time.  It’s just refreshing to know that a dataset reflects me, because a lot of times you hear statistics and think “Where did they get these numbers?!”  Especially for something like TV, that matters, unlike irrelevant things like psychology.  However, I was disappointed that we were selected during Olympics week, as many of the shows I normally watch were either reruns or just not aired.  But there is a spot at the end of the diary for comments, and it asks you to list any shows you normally watch but didn’t get to during this week.

People can come up with statistics to prove anything.  Forty percent of all people know that.
  --Homer Simpson

I got this e-mail a while back, and thought I would devote a blog post to it.  I have chosen not to present it in the 72-point format in which it was originally presented to me, and I removed mid-sentence line breaks; otherwise, none of the text has been edited except to interject my comments.  And to be clear: the bold/italic text is the e-mail, the other text is my commentary.

Think about this: If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone-----YOU’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM !!!!
Well okay, start out by judging/insulting me.  We’re off to a good start.
Grammar Math:  Lesson 1:   (all caps) + ! × 4 = I’m so pissed!  This situation is literally worse than the Holocaust!

Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice??????
I mean, people from another land coming to America and forcing changes on the locals.. that’s never happened here before, right?
Grammar Math:  Lesson 2:   ? × 6 = rhetorical question mark

Think about it!
One of us needs to.

All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS?
Y’all don’t know what it’s like, being male, middle class, and white.

I celebrate Christmas...........but because it isn’t celebrated by everyone.............we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season’s Greetings.
Last I checked, you still have the freedom to say whatever you want in this country.
Grammar Math:  Lesson 3:   . × n = pause to speculate on wasted life (for n > 3)

It’s not Christmas vacation, it’s Winter Break. Isn’t it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?
Get out!  Is you fo serious?!

We’ve gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that.
If you’re saying no one has a problem with people saying “season’s greetings” instead of “merry Christmas”, I believe you didn’t watch much TV last December.  But please go on describing your plight.

This says it all!

This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper.  He did quite a job; didn’t he? Read on, please!
You need to learn when to use a comma instead of a semicolon, especially since you will soon express strong feelings against people who don’t talk good American.

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However...... the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the “politically correct!” crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.
So you think the country is more politically correct now than it was before 9/11?  I’d argue that we’ve shifted away from the political correctness emphasis that we saw in the 90s.  But that’s another issue entirely.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to !America.
I think you’re about to prove yourself a liar.  Before you go on, might I suggest putting exclamation points only at the end of your sentences?  Programmers like me might think “!America” means “not America.”

Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants.
This is true.  Good job.

However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.  As Americans...... we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language.
..or Sioux, Apache, Iroquois, Algonquin, Cherokee..

Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!
Wait, if they don’t know the language, how will they ever read your request that they learn it?

“In God We Trust” is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan..  We adopted this motto because Christian men and women.......on Christian principles............. founded this nation..... and this is clearly documented.
“In God We Trust” didn’t start appearing on currency until the Civil War.  The founders had nothing to do with that.  It didn’t supersede “E pluribus unum” as a national motto until the 1950’s, when we wanted to separate ourselves from the officially atheistic communists.  Again, nothing to do with the founders.

As for the founders: yes, they were Christian men (can you name a single founding mother?), who were influenced by their Christian values and principles.  But that doesn’t mean they wanted a Christian government; in fact, they didn’t want the government to impose a religion upon them.  And this is clearly documented (see the first amendment, for starters).

PS: That’s called citing your source, something that’s a good idea to do after claiming that something is clearly documented.

It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools.
Where is “In God We Trust” on the walls of a school?

If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home.........because God is part of our culture.
God being part of our culture is different from God being part of our government.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don’t like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.
Why stop there, why not move to another planet entirely?

We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don’t care how you did things where you came from.
Neither did Geronimo.

This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so!  But once you are done complaining....... whining... and griping....... about our flag....... our pledge.... our national motto........or our way of life....I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great American Freedom.......
The right to bear arms?

THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.
We don’t want your wretched refuse anyway!

It is Time for America to Speak up
If you agree -- pass this along;
if you don’t agree -- delete it!
Is there an option for ridiculing you on my blog?

AMEN
This was a prayer?  I wasn’t even bowing my head.  You should have told me.  Now you’ve made me go and be irreverent.  Thanks a lot.

I figure if we all keep passing this to our friends (and enemies) it will also, sooner or later get back to the complainers, lets all try, please!
I thought you said the complainers don’t know English?  If so, at least they won’t be able to criticize your run-on sentence.

So I got ripped off on eBay.  It actually happened in November, but I am only just now mentioning it here for the same reason most rape incidents go unreported:  it’s embarrassing to admit you got screwed.  Yes, I just equated losing two hundred dollars to being raped.

When I found out that there was a Pearl Pink Nintendo DS bundled with Nintendogs Best Friends Edition, I had to make that Stephanie’s Christmas present.  But it turned out that the pink system was extremely limited, and they only sold it at Toys ‘R Us and K-B Toys (maybe a few other places, but definitely not Best Buy or EB Games).  So while I could have purchased it in a store for $149.99 in August, by November I could only find them on eBay, where they ran for around $200.  After watching the auctions for a couple of weeks and losing a few of them, I found this one for $190.00 with Buy It Now, and I figured that was as cheap as I was going to find it (and by mid-December they were going for $250+).  The guy (whom I will refer to as “Dick” from here on out) had a feedback rating of 33, which didn’t seem bad, with only one negative comment from long ago when he was a buyer.  On November 14 I made this purchase.  $190.00 + $10.00 shipping + $2.00 for shipping insurance = $202.00.  It turns out that the $2.00 may well be the best two dollars I’ve ever spent.

Well Dick didn’t take PayPal, so I sent a money order.  A week later he said he got it and the day after Thanksgiving (November 25) he claims he mailed it priority mail from Akron, OH.  It should have gotten here by the following Tuesday at the latest.  It never arrived.  I called Dick (who happened to be at home in the middle of the day on a weekday..) and told him I hadn’t gotten it and he’s like “well.. I mailed it.. it should be there soon..”  It never got here.  After three weeks the postal service will let you file an insurance claim for something lost in shipping, but the person who ships it must file the claim.  Turns out Dick didn’t keep the receipt, something they require, so he couldn’t file the claim.  At this point it was a week before Christmas so I got Stephanie a regular Nintendo DS, and I looked around on eBay to find out what I could do.

I found out that if you purchase shipping insurance and the seller fails to provide it, you qualify for eBay Standard Purchase Protection Program.  They will refund me what I paid for the item ($190.00) minus a $25 processing fee ($165.00).  I have until 90 days after the transaction to file for that, so I told Dick that I would give him until February 1st to refund me the money, and that if he did so I wouldn’t escalate the claim.  I explained that if I escalate the claim eBay will reimburse me, but that they would also probably investigate him and his account would suffer or something.  He said he could definitely get me the money by February 1st.

Well today is February 1st and there is no money.  I have sent Dick five e-mails in the last week, none of which he has responded to.  So I submitted my claim this morning.  Hopefully in another month or so I’ll get $165.00 from eBay, meaning I’ll have only lost a net total of $37 dollars, which isn’t too terribly bad.

Oh I forgot to mention that not long after Dick said he shipped my system his name showed up in eBay as “Not a registered user”, which means I can’t leave negative feedback.  What a Dick.

I’ve just added commenting to the site.  Appropriately enough, my first post on this blog was one year ago tomorrow.

So to get the whole commenting thing started, here is a list of actresses that I think are not attractive, seemingly in disagreement with most of America.

Pamela Anderson: Maybe it’s because I’m not a rock star, but I just don’t find her attractive. She’s very fake, but that seems to be what she’s going for.

Catherine Zeta Jones: I’m not sure what it is about her that bothers me. I watch movies with her in it, and I see her and think “she looks like she should be attractive, but she’s not.” Maybe you agree with me and know just how to say it? It’s like her body doesn’t match her face. Like she’s supposed to be kind of chubby but she’s not, and it looks unnatural. But not in an anorexic kind of way, it’s something else.

Katie Holmes: I suspect that this will be the most contested member of this list. It’s something about her face. It reminds me of Steven Tyler somehow, and I think that is what I dislike.

Alyssa Milano: Of the three sisters on Charmed, I call her “the ugly one.” The other two are “the cute one” and “the red head”. She looks like she’s unpretty and they do their best with makeup but continue to give her that ugly short haircut. If it weren’t for the hair maybe she wouldn’t be on this list.

Angelina Jolie: I don’t think I know anyone who’s ever said that Angelina Jolie is hot, and yet she gets media attention as if she is. I don’t get it. She just looks very.. butch. I’m not even going to comment on the lips. She looks “dirrty,” as it were, but I guess “pretty” isn’t really her thing. Which would be fine, except that TV tries to convince me that she is hot.

Well that’s my list.  Start telling me how right or wrong I am.  Let’s get this comment thing going!

I officially can’t stand teenagers who think they should still be allowed to trick-or-treat.   Kip and I live on the third floor of an apartment building and I understand that not all children will climb that many steps for candy, but a few did this year.  We had a total of two groups come by.  The first group was a bunch of cute kids dressed up with their mom, or some adult figure.  The second set came about forty-five minutes later, and they came in the form of two boys, not walking together but one leading tthe other.  The leader was a much older boy who was taller than myself, and looked like he was in high school.  I thought nothing of it at the time.  We recieved no other trick-or-treaters for the remainder of the night.

As a way of showing people that we were giving out candy, we made a little flier and taped it to the door saying that trick-or-treaters were welcome.  I also took my adorable little pie pumpkin that I bought to be festive for the fall season out on the banister so that people below might see it and think to come up.  Well, only moments ago I realized that I hadn’t brought my pumpkin back inside, and I didn’t want anything to happen to it (like it freeze over night) as I was planning on using it to make a pumpkin pie from scratch for Thanksgiving.  Well, when I openned out door and looked right there, I was surprised to find that my pumpkin is no longer sitting there on the ledge but missing.  I even took the time to look over the banister to see if it had been smashed.  However, there are no remains of my cute pumpkin, it is simply missing.  I’m sure that a lot of you are sitting there saying to yourselve, “it was just a pumpkin get over it.”  But it is the principle of the situation that iritates and upsets me.  I put that little pumpkin out there as a sign of politeness and welcomeness, and someone had the odacity to steal it.  Take it from right in front of my door and leave me with nothing.  To top it all off, tied to that little pumpkin was a very cute little ribbon that at one time was attached to Punky’s pony, and my mother had added it to the pumpkin to make it look even cuter.  They not only stole my pumpkin, but the decorations that had been added to it.  I spoke earlier about the teenage boys that felt that they were in need of candy so badly that they had to go around asking for it (not even in costume I might add) because I am relatively certain that they are the ones that felt it neccesary to steal my pumpkin.  I say I’m relatively certain because Punky made no more outbursts toward people outside the door after those boys left and we didn’t hear anybody upstairs after that.  I realize that those people who are responsible for the pumpkin disappearance will doubtlessly ever read this post, but I feel that there are people out there reading it that will sympothize with me in my loss.  Now I have to hope that Harris Teeter is still selling pie pumpkins so I can purchase another one before Thanksgiving and make my pie.

So Kip informed you of one of his pet peeves when it comes to driving.  I thought I would add one of my own.  I can’t stand it when people get over into the turn lane way too early.  If there are multiple right turns, and the right lane is only for right turns, you should use it as a passing lane to get to your right turn, which is two turns away, ahead of everyone else.  It is dangerous for those people trying to turn onto the road that you are traveling on becuase they don’t know if you are going to turn or not.  And for those of us traveling along side of you, you tend to make it impossible for us to get into the turn lane when we need to an appropriate distance from the turn that we need to make.  If someone gets over way to early and I can get the chance, I pull over in front of them and slow way down just to keep them away from their turn that much longer.  As you can tell, Kip and I can get some pretty entertaining road rage.

I get very peeved with people who pass on the right.  Especially if there are two empty lanes to the left of me.  When people do this I always try to box them in if I get the chance.  If there is anyone in the right lane traveling slowly ahead of me, I’ll try to catch up with them before the person can cut me off, and then I’ll do everything I can to maintain the same speed as the slow car.  This way the jerk who was way too busy to pass on the left like he is supposed to, is forced to slow down and pull behind me.  You know on the autobahn you can travel 125 mph, but if you pass on the right, or don’t get over to let a faster car pass you, you can get a ticket.  I think the Germans are on to something...

If you’re a fan of The Office, you will recognize how incredibly funny this article is (read to at least the fourth paragraph...).

And if you’re not a fan, you should be.  Season 2 starts September 20.  9:30pm on Tuesdays on NBC.  Check it out.  It’s stupid awesome.