Sometimes I wish that I had a really crappy car.  ‘Why?’ you ask?  Because then when someone is tailgating me, particularly when I am already going 5-9 mph over the speed limit and there is a perfectly good lane to my left not being used, I could just slam on the brakes so that they would hit me.  After all, it would be their fault (who’s to say I didn’t see a deer about to run out onto the highway?).  They would learn the hard way not to tailgate, their insurance would go up, and they’d get a ticket.  Maybe they’d even be over the legal blood-alcohol limit and spend the night in jail.  Jackpot.  As for me, I’d just be out a crappy car that I didn’t care about to begin with.  I guess if I did it too many times the police or insurance companies might catch on.  Oh well, it’s not like I’d actually do that.  I’d probably react much more passive-aggressively.  Perhaps by writing a blog post about the tailgating incident.

This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time.  It’s Count von Count from Sesame Street, singing a song in which the word “count” has been bleeped out, with hilarious results.  (The video’s pretty old—maybe everyone has already seen this and they just forgot to tell me about it.)

While scanning through my junk mail folder in Gmail, I noticed a new spam tactic: directly insulting the reader.

<img class=”snapshot” src=”/files/for_blog/20080609_insulting_spam.png” title=”Snapshot of my spam folder, with subject reading “You look really stupid kip.robinson”” alt=”Snapshot of my spam folder, with subject reading “You look really stupid kip.robinson”” />

I’m curious if this is effective.  I find it hard to believe that anyone would ever read mail that is obviously spam nowadays, but these people must be making money somehow or they’d stop sending this stuff.  My guess is that anything which stands out is likely to be effective in piquing readers’ curiosity, much like the “I love you” e-mail virus from several years ago.  But only if other spammers don’t copy the tactic.

Some astute individual has probably told you at some point that Eskimos have dozens of words for “snow,” whereas English-speaking individuals only have one.

They lie! (Warning: link goes to a PDF file.)

Also on Wikipedia.

As someone who works in an office environment, I run into a lot of people with Dilbert comic strips tacked or taped to various cubicle surfaces.  After deciding that there must be something to Dilbert, I started reading the strips (posted online daily).  After trying for about two months to figure out why people find Dilbert entertaining, I’ve given up.  In fact I’ve come to the simple conclusion that Dilbert is not funny.  At best, it is highly overrated.  I guess if you draw 365.25 strips per year you are bound to hit on something funny sooner or later, but I’m not sitting through crap like this to get there.

you heard me

Over my life I have been to several high school and college graduation ceremonies, and I have observed an apparent correlation between two factors.  The following chart will explain:

Update: See my follow-up post if you are deeply offended.

On Tuesday I was thinking how totally awesome it would be if there was a major terrorist attack.  I mean, except for the part where lots of people would die and we would launch a poorly planned war against people who had nothing to do with the attacks.  But aside from that, wouldn’t it be funny if people talked about “6/6/6,” in the same manner they speak of “9/11” today?  And events would be dated as pre-6/6/6 and post-6/6/6.  And imagine the number of people who would believe the attack signaled the end of the world because of the date.  It would be deliciously chaotic.  Oh well.  Maybe in a hundred years the next 6/6/6 will be more interesting.

PS: I do know that the actual date was 6/6/06.  But you know the event would quickly come to be known as 6/6/6.

Today when I was logging out of Yahoo Mail there was an ad for a site claiming to offer a free PS3.  Since this was an expensive-looking ad on Yahoo, I figured maybe it was a little less sketchy than, say, an offer to transfer a Nigerian prince’s money out of the country.  So I clicked it, carefully read the terms and conditions.  Most importantly, I saw “Membership is free and you will never be required to pay for evaluation products.”  It just said I needed to evaluate some products- two “top offers”, two “prime offers”, and two “premium offers.”  Obviously, I wasn’t going to give them any kind of information that they could use to charge me (credit card number, bank account number, etc).  But my name, address, and phone number are already in the phone book, so I wasn’t too concerned with giving out that info.

So I signed up.

Then I went to look at these products I needed to “evaluate.”  The first group had things like Columbia House DVD club and Real Rhapsody music download service, where I would have to sign up for free trials.  Which would require giving a credit card number, but no charge if I canceled within like two weeks.  Well I wasn’t interested, but I wanted to see what some of the third-tier products were.  Check this out:

HAHAHA!  In theory, they would reimburse me for my fifteen hundred dollar purchase, making good on their claim that I wouldn’t have to pay for any evaluation products.  I think I’ll pass.

I got this e-mail a while back, and thought I would devote a blog post to it.  I have chosen not to present it in the 72-point format in which it was originally presented to me, and I removed mid-sentence line breaks; otherwise, none of the text has been edited except to interject my comments.  And to be clear: the bold/italic text is the e-mail, the other text is my commentary.

Think about this: If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone-----YOU’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM !!!!
Well okay, start out by judging/insulting me.  We’re off to a good start.
Grammar Math:  Lesson 1:   (all caps) + ! × 4 = I’m so pissed!  This situation is literally worse than the Holocaust!

Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice??????
I mean, people from another land coming to America and forcing changes on the locals.. that’s never happened here before, right?
Grammar Math:  Lesson 2:   ? × 6 = rhetorical question mark

Think about it!
One of us needs to.

All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS?
Y’all don’t know what it’s like, being male, middle class, and white.

I celebrate Christmas...........but because it isn’t celebrated by everyone.............we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season’s Greetings.
Last I checked, you still have the freedom to say whatever you want in this country.
Grammar Math:  Lesson 3:   . × n = pause to speculate on wasted life (for n > 3)

It’s not Christmas vacation, it’s Winter Break. Isn’t it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?
Get out!  Is you fo serious?!

We’ve gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that.
If you’re saying no one has a problem with people saying “season’s greetings” instead of “merry Christmas”, I believe you didn’t watch much TV last December.  But please go on describing your plight.

This says it all!

This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper.  He did quite a job; didn’t he? Read on, please!
You need to learn when to use a comma instead of a semicolon, especially since you will soon express strong feelings against people who don’t talk good American.

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However...... the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the “politically correct!” crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.
So you think the country is more politically correct now than it was before 9/11?  I’d argue that we’ve shifted away from the political correctness emphasis that we saw in the 90s.  But that’s another issue entirely.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to !America.
I think you’re about to prove yourself a liar.  Before you go on, might I suggest putting exclamation points only at the end of your sentences?  Programmers like me might think “!America” means “not America.”

Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants.
This is true.  Good job.

However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.  As Americans...... we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language.
..or Sioux, Apache, Iroquois, Algonquin, Cherokee..

Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!
Wait, if they don’t know the language, how will they ever read your request that they learn it?

“In God We Trust” is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan..  We adopted this motto because Christian men and women.......on Christian principles............. founded this nation..... and this is clearly documented.
“In God We Trust” didn’t start appearing on currency until the Civil War.  The founders had nothing to do with that.  It didn’t supersede “E pluribus unum” as a national motto until the 1950’s, when we wanted to separate ourselves from the officially atheistic communists.  Again, nothing to do with the founders.

As for the founders: yes, they were Christian men (can you name a single founding mother?), who were influenced by their Christian values and principles.  But that doesn’t mean they wanted a Christian government; in fact, they didn’t want the government to impose a religion upon them.  And this is clearly documented (see the first amendment, for starters).

PS: That’s called citing your source, something that’s a good idea to do after claiming that something is clearly documented.

It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools.
Where is “In God We Trust” on the walls of a school?

If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home.........because God is part of our culture.
God being part of our culture is different from God being part of our government.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don’t like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.
Why stop there, why not move to another planet entirely?

We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don’t care how you did things where you came from.
Neither did Geronimo.

This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so!  But once you are done complaining....... whining... and griping....... about our flag....... our pledge.... our national motto........or our way of life....I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great American Freedom.......
The right to bear arms?

THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.
We don’t want your wretched refuse anyway!

It is Time for America to Speak up
If you agree -- pass this along;
if you don’t agree -- delete it!
Is there an option for ridiculing you on my blog?

AMEN
This was a prayer?  I wasn’t even bowing my head.  You should have told me.  Now you’ve made me go and be irreverent.  Thanks a lot.

I figure if we all keep passing this to our friends (and enemies) it will also, sooner or later get back to the complainers, lets all try, please!
I thought you said the complainers don’t know English?  If so, at least they won’t be able to criticize your run-on sentence.

Sometimes at work I am at a meeting and the topic of conversation doesn’t really involve me in any way.  And sometimes this happens when I have a pencil and a piece of paper handy.  And sometimes I doodle.  Usually, I am doodling The Ninjas.  The other day I scanned some of these drawings from the past fourteen months.  Now, you too can enjoy them.

Who are The Ninjas?
Who aren’t The Ninjas!  They are a totally rocking awesome hard rock band comprised solely of ninjas who are dedicated to rocking hard.  They’re so awesome that they don’t even care if they have fans.  That’s what makes their fans love them so hard.  Their music rocks so hard that you’d stab yourself in the ear with a rusty screwdriver, just because you’re psyched so hard.

Here is a drawing of the whole band.  Notice how the lead guitarist is totally rocking hard!  And the lead singer is totally getting into it.  And check it out- there are people crowd surfing to show just how much The Ninjas rock!  And check out the bass player over there, he’s totally all “whatever man, I’m just too cool for you”.  And the drummer--check out the drum!  It’s got The Ninjas’ logo on it!  That rocks so hard.  These guys are so cool.  I’d totally do them all if I were gay.  Twice.

Here’s a drawing from The Ninjas’ latest music video.  That’s no special effect- the lead guitarist actually set himself on fire for the video!  He was recovering in the hospital for nine months!  That’s how much he rocks!  But it doesn’t stop there--dude totally brought his guitar and amp into the hospital and rocked the nurses’ pants off.  They all totally wanted him, even though he was covered in third degree burns.  That’s how hard he rocks.

Here’s a shot of the lead guitarist rocking so hard that he had to be airborne to do it.  You can’t tell from the picture, but he’s actually jumping off of a fifteen story building without a rope or parachute or anything!  Dude’s totally crazy!  He landed on his feet and kept right on rocking!  And that rocks hard.

Finally, here is a video of the lead guitarist rocking hard, then smashing his guitar in the middle of the song.  That rocks.  That guy rocks so hard.  (fyi- there are only ten quick drawings in that.. I didn’t waste as much time on it as you might think)

Click here to download my The Ninjas wallpaper!  It is not a typical desktop size, but it is in the correct aspect ratio (4:3), so just set the position to “stretch” and it will look right.  That’s the actual size it was scanned at (600 dpi), but I’ve adjusted the color balance a little so that it is darker.

Run away, go ahead and try
 run away, before I stab you in the eye
Because you’ll never know (you’ll never know)
 how far to go (how far to go)

--The Ninjas - Hands Off My Girl (Nozomi’s Song)