Okay people, I knew Tuesday’s post would be offensive to some, but I thought it would come across somewhere between Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2 on the Kramer scale (which I just made up to measure racial offensiveness).  I didn’t think I was saying something on a Mind Of Mencia level.  Or maybe you guys did get my humor and were being sarcastic in the comments and I didn’t pick up your sarcasm?  It’s really hard to tell on the internet, without things like inflection.

Everyone understands that correlation does not imply causation, and that observation does not imply judgment, right?  In my experience, there is a correlation: black and hispanic families generally cheer more loudly at graduation ceremonies than white and asian families.  We don’t have to pretend that our cultures are identical; it’s okay that we’re different.  I find it interesting to speculate on the socioeconomic factors that might be causing said correlation, but maybe that is because I’ve found the Freakonomics blog to be an excellent place to waste time lately.

Also, I don’t really care if someone I don’t remember ever meeting doesn’t like that my hand-drawn graphs, with arbitrary axes and data points, don’t convey clear, scientific information.  I think they’re funny, and there will be more on this site in the future.  I’ll just stick to less sensitive topics.  Like religion and politics.

I wanna roll with the gangstas, but so far they all think I’m too white and nerdy

Well the calendar companies have again tricked us all into shelling out even more money for astrological tables which focus on the earth’s location relative to the sun.  So according to an ancient tradition which dates back nearly a year, I will review some of the adventures I have been through with you, faithful reader of my boring blog.

Let’s see...  there was that time I got ripped off on eBay, although technically that happened in 2005.  But I didn’t blog about it until 2006 so it still counts.  Then I critiqued some xenophobic e-mail, shortly before I influenced the direction of American television.  I listed a few of my favorite things, for all to see and marvel at.  Later Stephanie interviewed for and was subsequently offered a job.  But in between those two events, we ate a year-old pastry.  Once we had another source of income we bought a new car.  A few months later I bought a new amp and rocked super hard.  I built the most complex sand castle I’ve ever built, but sadly it could not stand up to the incoming tide.  As the summer was winding down, I let you all in on twenty-six video games that I think are totally cool, before letting you in on a little secret: this is where I work.  Next, I became an uncle at the same time that Stephanie became an aunt, when our new niece began to independently consume some of the extra oxygen in the atmosphere.  Stephanie made a list, focusing on movies, and then I jumped on board the MySpace bandwagon thing.  Just when I was starting to feel like a cool young dude, I got a year older.  But at least I won a hot blonde girl bean bag chair to ease my aging back.  To finish up the year I finished a project that was two years in the making, before being robbed by some stupid teenagers.

Nothing changes on New Year’s Day
—Bono (greatest rock star, humanitarian, philanthropist, and savior ever to call himself all of those things)

Today marks one quarter of one century that yours truly has graced this planet with his presence.  In honor of this momentous occasion, I will now discuss things that I pledge, as an aging person, not to say in the coming twenty-five years.

The problem with America today is ...
I do not believe that getting older means you’ve suddenly figured everything out.  Do you know how many topics have been identified as the problem with America?  Seven hundred and thirty four different topics, according to statistics I just made up.  I think it is plain to see that the world is very complex.  I won’t let myself fall under the assumption that the world is constantly degrading.  If anything I think they are improving (despite what the news tells you).

Kids these days have it too easy.
You may have also heard this stated like this:  “When I was a kid I had to walk to school.  In the snow.  Barefoot!  Uphill!!  BOTH WAYS!!!”  It is a tired cliché, and old people seem to jump on it left and right.  Political candidates have used it to win votes for a very long time.  Yeah, technology is making a lot of things easier (and isn’t that what we want anyway?), but there will always be new challenges to kids that their elders didn’t even have to worry about.  Like how my grandparents didn’t have to worry about getting germs from black people when using a public water fountain, but my generation is constantly assailed with negro germs.

The last good band was The Smashing Pumpkins, the last entertaining video game was Super Mario 64, and the last funny movie was Happy Gilmore.
This is a big one, and I refuse—I repeat: refuse!—to succumb to the notion that somehow I happened to be fifteen years old when all the best bands, movies, TV shows, and video games came out.  I’m not sure what causes people to think this way as they age, but I think we have all seen it time and time again.  I’m not saying I will be one of those old people who tries to pretend he’s one of the cool kids (like that guy who graduated high school two years before you, but he would still hang out in the parking lot after school, and as far as you know he still does).  I’m just saying I won’t act like I lived in some kind of magical golden age where nothing sucked.  I guess people only remember the things they like, and they replay those things in their mind over and over.  When these memories—ripened into nostalgia by years of rumination—are placed against fresh, unfiltered new media...  well, there is no contest.  In the coming twenty-five years I will attempt to be conscious of the fact that things might not have been as good as I remember them.  I have already started this process.  For instance, as much I would like to, I will not assert that Animaniacs is somehow more sophisticated that SpongeBob SquarePants, or that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has a better premise than Pokémon.  I think only the eight-year-old me and a modern eight-year-old could take up that argument.  Presumably with nunchucks and Pokéballs.

Well there you have it.  Originally the list was longer, but there was a lot of redundancy.  Basically everything boiled down to “new stuff sucks” and “there is no hope for our kids.”  I will strive to keep these campaign goals, and in twenty-five years I will present a status report, evaluating my performance in achieving these goals.  Stay tuned!

Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?”  For it is not wise to ask such questions.
—Ecc 7:10

The other day I somehow ended being the best available option for being The Person In Charge Of Games Time for the kids in Awana Club at church.  This is kind of unusual, since I’m at best something like tenth in line.  Somehow everyone else was sick or had car trouble or had to visit a sick relative or something.  Now I am the only man in the church who does not have children, so I guess they were pretty desperate.  So there I am, basically being something like a P.E. teacher for little kids who I have no idea how to control or relate to, and I only know the names of like three of them.  Daniel (who would normally be doing this) told me the kids pretty much knew the rules to all the games, and that I could do dodgeball or relay race.  So I decided dodgeball was really simple so I’d have them play that.  I found out that they don’t normally play dodgeball the way I learned it.  I always played where you divide up into two groups, one group makes a big circle, the other is inside the circle.  Those on the outside of the circle throw the ball at those on the inside, and if you get hit you become part of the circle (but hits above the waist don’t count...  so that they don’t take each others’ heads off).  So we played the way I knew the game.

First up was the older group of kids (as in, third through fifth grade I think).  This didn’t go so bad, because there were two other adults out there, and the kids understood how to play dodgeball after I explained the game.  For the most part they took care of themselves.  After about 25 minutes they went in, and it was time for the younger kids (K-2ish I think?) to come out.  This time, there were no adults to help me out, so I was left alone to try to manage twelve kids.  Well they didn’t take as well to dodgeball.  They didn’t understand the rules, and soon got bored and started running around, basically playing tag.  My efforts to keep them playing dodgeball had little effect, and I don’t know their names and most of them didn’t know me.  I could go on, but the point is that it went pretty badly.  But no one got hurt or anything so I guess it could have gone worse.  After only about 15 minutes of the 20-25 minute game time, I sent the kids back inside for their teachers to deal with. :)

While I was watching these kids, I observed a few behaviors.  One of the kids went off to the side and sat down.  When asked why he wasn’t playing, he said he didn’t get to throw the ball.  I told him he definitely wasn’t going to get the ball if he was sitting off to the side.  Then there were some other groups of kids that just wanted to chase one another.  There were some girls that really just wanted to talk to each other, having no interest in the game.  Then there were the more competitive boys, who actually had an interest in winning the game.  I’ll call it a microcosm of society.

Now that this experience is behind me, hopefully I won’t be in charge of little kids again for quite some time.

Today at work, I did absolutely nothing productive.  Now some of you might think, “Yeah, right.  It just feels like you did nothing productive.”  But, truly, I did absolutely nothing at work today.  Everything I touched turned into waste that I threw out at the end of the day.  So to pass the time of this interminably long day, I came up with an idea for the post that I am now making.  (And yes, I do realize that a similar question was posed on “The Office” in Season 2.)

If you were going to be stranded on a desert island for the rest of your life, and were allowed to take five movies with you, what would those movies be?  Ground rules being that any mode of movie is allowed be it VHS, DVD, reel-to-reel, etc, and compilations or multi-disc movies count as a single movie.

My personal TOP 5 (“High Fidelity” geeks are enjoying this) are as follows:

5:  Sahara
Matthew McConaughey...need I really say more?  However, I will humor you.  This movie is excellent in my opinion.  The relationship between McConaughey and Zahn (Al in the movie) is hilarious, and neither of them is bad to look at for two hours over and over again.

4:  Anne of Green Gables Box Set
Ok so there really isn’t a box set, but it is a movie divided into three parts (the last one being absolutely fictitious and not from the books), and I want all of them.  It’s my list, so I make the rules.  It is a wonderful story, and has sentimental value between Kip and myself.

3:  Legally Blonde
We all know that deep down inside, we all wish we were blonde.  The movie is so funny, and cute, and corny, and great that it has to be on everyone’s’ list.

2:  Pride and Prejudice  (The A&E version only, any other version is a sheer abomination.)
This movie is by far one of my favorites.  I love the book, and this is the most accurate adaptation I have ever seen.  The acting is phenomenal, the clothes are classic and accurate, and the actors themselves really fit the parts (can you say Colin Firth is Mr. Darcy).  The music is excellent as well.

And at the top of my list...

1:  Kip and Stephanie’s Honeymoon Video from Hawaii
If I’m going to be stranded on an island for the rest of my life without my husband there in person, I at least want to be able to see the two of us together while we were both very happy, in a beautiful location.  I would miss him too terribly to not have some part of him there with me.  I’m sure all of you are thinking that is the dumbest, corniest pick yet, but I don’t care.  I love Kip!!

Now it is your turn.  Post your lists if you dare allow the rest of the world (or at least our readers) know exactly what kind of person you really are.

Just wanted to make an update to my previous post:  I now have a layouts page, where you can pick the layout you want to view the site in.  I mean it’s no CSS Zen Garden, but I think I have a nice little infrastructure set up and it should be really easy for me to experiment with new layouts without throwing away the old ones.

If anyone out there is really bored, feel free to make a new layout for the site.  Not that I actually expect anyone to actually do that... but if you do and it looks decent, I’ll put it up..

Just under one year ago I brought you an all-new design for this site.  If you preferred the old layout, or if you never saw it, now’s your chance to go back.  Just slap “?1point0” onto the end of just about any URL on my site.  There is now a better way to do this.

A few notes:

• 1point0 layout option is not persistent.  So clicking on any link in a 1point0 page will return to default layout.  This is something I will probably fix some day.
  Fixed

• Text-only layout takes precedence.  So if you are viewing a page in text-only layout, you will need to click that “view full graphics” link down at the bottom of the page before going into 1point0 view.
  Fixed

• As you might expect, there are a few rendering problems in Internet Explorer.  Nothing that makes the site unusable, but if you’re still using Internet Explorer you should really consider a better alternative anyway.

• I actually improved upon the original design, using only one table for layout purposes.  I’m sorry but the CSS trickery required to do equal-height columns that look right on all browsers is less intuitive and consistent than a table with two cells.  Sue me.

• It all validates, except that I need to replace strike tags with del tags.  I’ll save that for another day.
  Done

Note:  I have improved this in many ways.  See my next post for details.

I’m takin ya back to the old school cause I’m an old fool who’s so cool

Recently a few friends of mine have posted their top 20 or top 25 favorite games of all time on their blogs.  Not to be outdone, I have compiled this list of my top twenty-six games of all time.  :)

26. Metroid:  Should I have included this?  I never truly played the game as it was meant to be played.  I just entered the “Justin Bailey” code and explored to see how far I could get.  This was how I would frequently spend several hours in the afternoon when I got home from school.  But this game was more or less my introduction to video games so I think it must be included.
25. New Super Mario Bros.:  I ranked this game kind of low because it is very recent and may not stand the test of time, but the game was fantastic.  It was a little on the easy side—I mean, I managed to get everything in the game without using any FAQs.  But it was great, and I liked that they resisted the urge to include elements like flying from SMB3 and SMW—you actually want to get fire flowers again!  What I’d really love to see next is New Super Mario Bros. 2, such that NSMB2:SMB2::NSMB:SMB.
24. Half Life 2:  Another one that might be higher if it weren’t for the fact that I am just now playing through it, but it has every indication of being a favorite.  With PC games I don’t mind waiting until they are cheaper and patched.  I consider any PC game straight out of the box to be more like a public beta than a final release.  But I’m a console gamer at heart.
23. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles In Time:  This may seem a little out of place, but it was a really fun beat-em-up game.  Not sure how well it would stand up now though.
22. Mario Kart: Double Dash:  This game was lots of fun as long as you played it the right way—two people to a kart.  I can imagine that I wouldn’t have liked this game so much if I hadn’t played through it with Garrison.  It suffered from the same problem as every other Mario Kart though: once you unlock every track you don’t really want to play anymore.
21. Goldeneye 007:  A classic.  Caverns and Frigate were my favorite levels.  I got all the cheat codes.  That was not an easy task—to get the last one I played the same stage (Facility on 00 Agent) over and over for like four hours straight!
20. Unreal Tournament:  The only FPS that I spent significant time on in multiplayer.  Morpheus r0x0r3d.
19. Donkey Kong Country:  The game that pushed the limits of 16-bit gaming to new levels.  I remember being on the phone with Peter as we tried to figure out where the last two secrets were, in order to get the coveted 101% rating.
18. Metal Gear Solid 2:  The only game for a Sony system that will make it on this list, this game was really cool.  I haven’t played MGS3 yet, maybe some day...
17. Super Mario Bros. 3:  What list would be complete without this game?  This was the upper limit of what an 8-bit system could do.  I have to confess that I never beat the game without Game Genie until I played the Super Mario All-Stars version much later.
16. Banjo-Kazooie:  3D platformers never managed to take hold like they did in 2D, but I liked them a lot, and this one was lots of fun.  I don’t really have a problem with collecting five thousand tokens in every level.
15. Animal Crossing:  I would be remiss as a list-maker if I didn’t include this game, even if it calls my sexual orientation into question.  Non-simultaneous multiplayer!  A game that you never really beat, you just sort of get tired of playing it!  Interesting sidenote: my in-laws love this game and have two avatars each.
14. Final Doom:  For those unaware, Final Doom was the Doom 2 engine, playing two complete, 32-level games (TNT: Evilution [sic] and The Plutonia Experiment).  I also loaded the “Ultimate Doom” levels (the original game plus a few new levels).  Anyway, I remember playing this when I was in high school.  Anytime I hear a song from Live’s “Secret Samadhi” album I think of this game, because I listened to it while playing for a while.  I also had a lot of fun creating a few Doom levels, and playing multiplayer with Garrison and Peter.  Of course, this was back in the day when you had to have no less than four phone lines to do a 1-on-1 death match: one for each computer and one for each person so that you could decide when your modem should call their modem.  Fun times.
13. Mega Man X:  I liked the X games much more than the main series, although I do have fond memories of holding “left” on controller 2 with my foot while playing Mega Man 3.  I remember X2 and X3 being pretty good too, but I never owned them, so only X1 is represented here.
12. Roller Coaster Tycoon:  Countless hours freshmen year of college were spent designing wicked roller coasters.  So much fun.  I’ve recently gotten Roller Coaster Tycoon 3, which is the same thing but 3D and you can ride the rides.  Only difference is I have less free time now.
11. Super Mario 64:  The first thing I did was climb a tree.  The second thing I did was jump in the moat.  So much freedom!  It was amazing!  I’d really like to see a remake of this game with modern graphics (kind of like Super Mario All Stars did with the original SMB games).
10. Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest:  The best of the DKC games.  Graphics were actually improved from the first game, and gameplay was expanded, and the difficulty went up a little bit to more or less exactly where I would like it to be.
9. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem:  This game was amazing, with an unusually good storyline.  I went back through it two summers ago and still enjoyed the story.
8. Prince Of Persia: Sands Of Time:  An amazing game, with innovative controls that allow you to easily do things that look incredibly cool.  Unfortunately the sequel sucked.  Anyone know if the third one was any good?  I never bothered to give it a try..
7. The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time:  Link made a transition into 3D flawlessly.  I can’t wait to play Twilight Princess this year.
6. Metroid Prime:  Another great transition to 3D (despite what Ryan says).  This game really felt more like a first-person Zelda game than a first person shooter.  All the exploration from Super Metroid was still there.  I didn’t like the sequel quite as much because it felt much more FPS-y, even though it was a decent game.
5. Super Mario RPG:  This is the only RPG I’ve ever really played unless you count the “sequels” Paper Mario and Paper Mario 2.  Owning only Nintendo systems has made it difficult to play them..  I really enjoyed watching Garrison play Skies of Arcadia though.
4. Super Metroid:  I remember the day I got this game I played for like six hours straight without a Player’s Guide or anything, made it all the way to that big room in Maridia where you use the Grapple Beam to get across the top of the room to the door going up, and there’s a platform under the door and you can use the grapple beam to spin all the way around it.  I eventually beat this game with 100% in less than three hours to get the best ending.
3. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island:  My favorite Mario game.  The graphics were a nice break from what everyone was used to, and the levels were really fun.  Too bad the “Yoshi’s Story” pseudo-sequels weren’t very good.  But now they’re actually making a true sequel for the DS!
2. The Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker:  A lot of people shied away from this game because of the cartoon graphics, which is really a shame.  This is definitely my favorite Zelda game.  I loved the exploration and the vastness of the world (even if it was all water).

Drum roll please!

1. Super Smash Bros. Melee:  The best game to have in a dorm, hands down.  Junior year of college was awesome because of this game alone.  Garrison and I even organized tournaments.  I put the tournament posters back up on my site today, in case you’ve never seen them.  I wonder.. will we still be playing this game thirty years from now?  The gameplay is perfect and I think the graphics will hold up (unlike.. say.. Smash for the N64).  I am concerned that Super Smash Bros. Brawl will be unable to live up to this game.  I guess time will tell.

Some honorable mentions go out to the following great games, left out to give the list more variety: The Legend Of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, The Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past, Metroid Fusion, Metroid: Zero Mission, Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong’s Double Trouble.

It is now year 20X5 of the history of the cosmos, and something terrible has happened.

Growing up, some people might say I was a little sheltered by my parents.  Looking back, I would say that I agree, but I don’t feel that it was a bad thing at all.  We didn’t watch all this garbage that is on TV these days.  Then again, I don’t really remember what was on TV back when I was growing up.  However, I do remember one thing that we loved to watch over and over again, and in my opinion this is what really kicked off the “Princess” fad.  My mother would go to library repeatedly to check out the Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre.  This was a series of the old faerie tales that we all know and love, but performed by real people, some of my more favorite movies being The Dancing Princesses, The Three Little Pigs, and of course, The Princess and the Pea.  I tell you all of this background because this past weekend, Kip and I were up in Raleigh visiting with friends and my little sister.  While we were there, Mandy and I watched her copy of Rogers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella.  This prompted me to tell Mandy that what I would really like for Christmas this year, was a copy of The Dancing Princesses on DVD.  She proceeded to say that it was totally awesome.  When we got home, I had to go to BJ’s to get new tires for my car, and while waiting I wandered around the store and found a DVD which was the complete collection of Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre.  Of course I immediately bought and have been watching the movies contained on the six disc set of movies.  For those of you that are unaware of the number of movies contained in the collection, I will quantify it for you; there are 26 faerie tales in all.  And they are all totally amazing.  Kip has been “watching” them with me, but doesn’t seem as totally enamored with them as I am, but he doesn’t seem to understand the awesomenisity of their awesomeness.  He doesn’t realize that growing up watching these movies and totally loving them then has caused me to not care how old they look, or how bad the acting is.  They are the movies that helped to mold and shape my young mind.  I will always love and cherish them for as long as I live.  What is even cooler is that the next generation of little Princesses is going to get to experience the magic of this series as well since my mother wanted me to get a copy of the collection for her to give Peanut (my soon to be niece) for her to watch as she grows up too!!!

Remember the internet before CSS?  Set the dial to 1996 and crank up the flux capacitor for the worst web design advice ever.  Here’s a sample: “If you want people to read [your web pages], don’t [use standard HTML constructs]. They take away your typographic control. Specify your own font sizes when you want a size change.”  To a nongeek, let me just say that reading this statement is tantamount to reading “When running with scissors, make sure they are always pointed up.  Otherwise, if you fall, you might stab yourself in the thigh.”